| The way it ought to be |
[Feb. 25th, 2005|09:06 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Lu:na-Gackt | ] |
I guess really, I got what I wanted. Things are as they should be. Balance is restored. Whatever you wanna say. Yuki doesn't seem to be around anymore. Eiri and I can be together like we were meant to be. Really. If it'll make him happy, I'll take care of Rage too. It will be hard to bear when she's telling him how much he means to her and how much she loves him.
But we screwed up. All of us. And this is what we get for it. I don't understand a lot of what's going on. But I hope that eventually.. This will go away in some sense.. he won't have to be totally attatched to Rage forever, right? I mean, the child is a no brainer, that's fine, 'cause I love kids, always wanted one...
always.. wanted one.
..but... He's mine. Eiri is mine! I love him. So I'm gonna respect whatever wishes he has. I want him to be devoted to me again.. but I don't know that that can ever happen again. Only once in a while. When and if we're lucky enough to get away. But no. He's Mr.Duty. Gotta be with Rage every waking second. I feel like I don't hardly ever get a chance to be with him alone anymore unless we're sleeping! Urgh. I hate it. But I'd rather have this than what we WERE dealing with. I love him. So much. |
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| Holy. Freaking. Hell. |
[Feb. 25th, 2005|12:01 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Nine spiral- Gackt | ] |
It never stops. Eiri walked out. Really had us thinking he was going for good. Broke Yuki and I to pieces. Now I don't know what's going on. Yuki's acting kind of weird. But I love him. And I love Eiri. I love him so much. So much. I can't ever stop. The first and best for me. |
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| And another day |
[Feb. 24th, 2005|09:22 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Another World - Gackt | ] |
Wow. Last night was one of the greatest nights of my life. It had been so, so, so long.Eiri and I were finally able to make love without anybody else around or coming between us. For a little while, we were able to shut out the world, and just be who we are. It was the most amazing experience.
He was trembling. He was whimpering, calling my name and begging for me to do more. It was amazing. He really does love me more than anything. I'll never doubt it again. No one can ever MAKE me doubt it again *cough*Rage*cough*.
We will always be together, Eiri, Shuichi, and Yuki. Eiri is the link between us all. We both love him so much. So we love each other. There's lotsa love to go around!! We're finally able to be happy, save for one little problem that I wish would go the hell away. She's pissing Yuki off.
Yeah. And I need to stop cursing like Eiri. It's kinda scary. Where'd all of my genkiness run away too? Heeeeeeeere genkigenkigenkiiiii
gotta go find it!!! |
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| Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. yes, three times crazy |
[Feb. 23rd, 2005|09:13 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  intimidated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sleepless Beauty | ] |
Urgh. This is insane. Can this even work? Is it even right? This is insane. Insane, Insane.
Yuki, Eiri, and Me.
That is NOT a relationship. What the hell is going on with my life?! Why can't everything just go back to the way it was? It's all just too complicated, it's all just too messed up. I love them both dearly. But I wish somebody would come and rescue me, take me away from this insantity and just. love. me.
I'm trying not to be upset, trying not to sulk. But I can't help it. I can't do it. Not with Rage trying to keep Eiri all to herself. Maybe it would be best for it to be just me and Yuki until Rage is finished with her ordeal. Yuki and I love each other, as long as Eiri understands why, he won't come around making me feel guilty anymore. i think he understands now. He keeps saying he can let me go. That scares me. Why could he so easily just let me go? I feel so easily used and discarded with Eiri. Makes me feel useless, that's for sure. Yuki at least makes me feel like I am somebody. He's so gentle and loving. And I took that for granted because Eiri made me feel guilty. I love them both, don't get me wrong. But.. I want to be loved. I want to feel special. I'm a rockstar, and I don't feel loved or special. Not by the people who it matters.
Somebody come save me, take me away from this. |
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| Love |
[Feb. 22nd, 2005|10:57 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Things like you-Sanctus Real | ] |
It keeps me sane, I think. Love is the only thing I can hold onto anymore. I feel like "myself" is drifting away. I don't know who I am anymore. But I know that my heart is still torn. I'm hoping that Yuki will help heal it. We'll try to grow together. |
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| Home for real. |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|08:57 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Welcome to my Romance | ] |
I realized this weekend that I can't run anymore. I can't run towards Eiri, and I can't run from Yuki. So when I stop, I loose Eiri and gain Yuki. I want to give him everything. I want him to have everything he wants and needs... I want him to love me and mean it. Yuki is one of few things in my life that makes me smile like I used to now. And he'll take care of me. He's always kind and gentle, a smile on his face. I know that he'll take care of me no matter what. I trust him right away. I wish everyone would give him a chance. As long as he stays away from the alcohol, he's a great person. I couldn't ask for better. I will learn to love him. I have to.
don't give up on me yet. I have one heck of a battle to fight. I've got a plan. You know who you are. |
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| Safe at Home |
[Feb. 19th, 2005|06:30 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Angel Dust - Nittle Grasper | ] |
What a bizarre twist of events. I was really afraid... So I'd fallen for Kitizawa. But how reall were those feelings in the end? I wasn't even feeling them myself in the end of it. Being with him awakened some ghost inside of me... I like to assume that Eiri gave that part of him to me, hoping that I could keep him alive and give him hope somewhere deep inside myself.
He was like me once.
That sticks to the inside of my head like nothing else. I'm really tired, so nothing is really making a load of sense, except that I am home. I am safe. I am finally able to breathe easy. Kitizawa scared me. He was so gentle...so loving... but his words were like a sharp blow. Eiri forbade me to ever see him again. He thinks that being near him is what makes my head spin and fog over to the point of being unable to resist. Something about Kitizawa makes me just want to go through life nodding with a dumb smile on my face.
I am not a domestic prize to be won
Eiri found me crying my eyes out, knowing that Kitizawa would be outraged when he got back. He probably left from the apartment that way in the frist place. I'm so glad we got out of there when we did. I couldn't believe how frightened I was. Eiri took me by the hand and we just ran. He protected me despite what I had done to him. I realized that I had been neglecting the two people that matter most in my life: Eiri and Hiro. I need to make it up to them, and I don't know how. I feel so guilty. Never felt this guilty before in my life.
I'm dealing with so many new emotions. I don't understand them. And they weigh me down. What happened to me? I used to be so care-free... now I feel so heavy. I have to find my way back to myself. Gotta stop brooding. |
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| ooookay |
[Feb. 18th, 2005|10:43 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | loved | ] |
well. Yeah. So it's official. And I think I am beginning to understand some things.. I think I'm falling for Yuki. And I don't want to, but I can't stop it.
All I can do is smile when I'm with him. He asked me to be his boyfriend. And I said yes. I hope I can learn something from all of this. It's such a mess. Such a mess. He said that he wants to make me feel better. He wants me to smile. That he valued me as a person and didn't care if we never had sex again. It touched me so much. Maybe.. maybe this really is for the best. |
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| crazy crazy crazy |
[Feb. 18th, 2005|08:31 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Switchfoot-This is your life | ] |
I don't even know what happened. My brain has not had time to process anything aside from the fact that I woke up in Yuki Kitizawa's bed, wrapped in his arms.
I can't believe this has happened. Eiri... I just can't see things without him. I can't imagine it. He says he wants me to be happy.. but with HIS Kitizawa? This is so stupid. I don't understand it. I'm about convinced that I'm not feeling this at all, that I'm just channeling 16-year old Eiri. That's all it is. His heart trying to find its way back to him. Gotta be.
I... I like Kitizawa. He's warm and loving and.. he smiles. He smiles at me all the time. He calls me Strawberry... I like him. I like him a lot. But a huge part of me is screaming "no, no no no! This is all Wrong!!!"
I dunno what to do. Not calling Eiri mine... or me his. How can I adjust to this? It's not fair. Especially when I can tell that he's hurting. He's gonna try everything he can to avoid this, but it tears him apart. And I don't want that. Sometimes I wish he'd fight for what he wants for a change, not just letting everything go. What a mess. So I don't even know where that puts me. Am I single? Am I Kitizawa's boyfriend?
The press is going to have a hayday with this. I can't wait. |
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| My life is INSANE |
[Feb. 17th, 2005|08:54 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Tearless-Nittlegrasper | ] |
What the heck? Why have I spent my entire week being confused, drug around by everybody?!I never have a damn clue what's goin on, and I'm starting to find myself being angry all the time. That's not good. It's not right. I can't understand what is going through Yuki..er... Eiri's head.
And for that matter. YUKI, WHAT THE HELL?! How did that even happen?! Why would you want to be with me?! And what the heck was I yammering about? "Kitizawa-Sensei"..? I don't even think of you as a teacher, not to me. To Eiri yeah, but I never did. This is insane. I'm confused, and I don't have a clue what's going on. It was like I didn't even have control of myself! I wanted it to stop... but I couldn't make it. I was scared shitless. You. scare. me.
man... I'm just so weirded out right now that I don't have the words to say it. I slept with a dead man while my lover sat and watched. And I started out that night with one thing in my mind: I hate you, Yuki Kitizawa. But what happened?! This is so insane. I don't even know what to say, except for asking WHY? If it came up again, Yuki, would you do it? Eiri, would you let him? Kitizawa... why me? I thought you hated me. I have the bruise to prove it. I don't understand any of this.
Hiro. I really need to see you. We need to sit down and talk. I miss being with you all of the time. Nobody else seems to listen to me anymore. Please, please try to find some time for me. |
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| argh...my head.. |
[Feb. 16th, 2005|09:01 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
Talk about waaaay too much stuff happening in one night. Here's a quick run down
Yoshiki is possesed by Yuki Kitizawa's ghost
Noriko-chan doesn't hate me
I pissed Hiro off
I OD'ed on narcotics
then tried to shoot myself
then Yuki(Eiri, MY YUKI) threatened to shoot me
He sat up and took care of me all night ^_^
Yeah, it's messy, but Yuki doesn't hate me. I was being stupid. I'm still being stupid, tee hee. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And he said such good things about me, he fought for me with Rage! saying things like, "let me be with the man I love in peace" and "He will always be mine". That makes me feel good even being as sick as I am.
Rage hurt herself because of me. I don't know how to make her feel better. I wish I could make her happy. But there's only one of me. I guess what they say is true: You can have everything in the world and still not be happy.
and a shout out to Ukai Noriko. You helped save my life! I didn't even think you cared!
um... Hiro. I'm sorry. I know that you wanted to be the one... you wanted me to respond to you. I'm sorry that all I could think about was Yuki. You're my best friend, and I love you, so don't be mad, okay? I need you to keep me together too. I need all of you guys, really. Thanks so much for everything! |
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| Where does it all end?! |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|10:20 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Wish Matrix - Iceman | ] |
Man... Yesterday was one of the worst days of my entire life. I feel so dirty, so disgusting. I'm so angry at myself, I just feel numb.
I don't know what I was thinking. I know I did something to really upset Yuki... Stupid Kitizawa came in... I think she/he was possesed or something! I have a huge bruise on my head, and I slept with Tatsuha. Everything that happened yesterday is such a blur, that's about all I really do know. And that Yuki never came home. What is going on? Why does this have to happen? At a time when things were going so well...
I think Yuki is hurting. I know Yuki is in pain. I want that pain to go away, and I know sleeping with his brother didn't get me any closer to that goal. Damn it, I really am an idiot. I have no self-control whatsover.
Yuki hates me
My life is over. Because of my own stupidity. I've taken four showers between then and now. I feel so disgusting. Recently, I realized that it's really hard for me to actually hate something. Right now, I do: myself.
I don't deserve to be near Yuki. I don't deserve him at all. He is my life, and I feel like I've had a hand in destroying it. I don't even know why I did what I did. I have no defense for myself. I might as well go die. |
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| Happy Valentine's day! or YUKI IS MINE!!!! |
[Feb. 14th, 2005|08:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Predillection | ] |
Yeah, Today's gonna be a good day.
Last night, Yuki and I made up. We decided that we had to stop fighting, because we can't stand to be away from each other! It's absolute torment to be away from him for so long.
We made love for the first time in two or three days, which for us is way too long. It was Earthshattering and so beautiful. As much as some people think Yuki's cold and heartless, I know he's not, because if he was, he wouldn't whisper that he loves me in the heat of passion. We connect differently than others. He promised me that we would never have to fight like that again. I just hope that he meant it.
I don't know whether or not to be mad at Rage. She's all over the place; Mr.K, Ana, Yuki... me... I guess it's just her, but I can't stand the thought of her being with Yuki again. It kills me. I get jealous, but I've made my share of mistakes. The strange thing is that I don't regret the night Rage and I spent together. I can't bring myself to. It was an adventure to me, I guess. I know now that I'm gonna be faithful to Yuki no matter what. I couldn't ever stand fighting like this. And Seguchi-san can come to play any time, but only if I'm there too. So yeah. Yuki is mine!!!!! |
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| Maybe a new begining |
[Feb. 13th, 2005|05:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | distressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Shining Collection-Nittle Grasper | ] |
Well, I ran off on Yuki. I was so scared about what Rage said to me that night. She told me that Yuki treated me like a dog. I didn't want to believe it.. then she told me about what he was doing with Mr.K. I was so angry. I could have died. I think I almost did. Nothing makes me feel as worthless and degraded as when he sleeps with someone else. And it happens often. I don't know why I'm not enough. I feel useless. I think I might be sliding into another slump, which is aweful. I refuse to talk to K... I just can't bring myself to look at him without wanting to cry.
Maybe I really am a cry baby like Aizawa says... Maybe I don't deserve to be Yuki's boyfriend. I don't know anymore. I don't even know if I'll be able to finish these new songs for the label. When do I get a break? I love Yuki. I love him more than anybody can guess, but it breaks my heart when he does things like he has lately. I can't stand it. I don't believe that there's anything wrong with him. And I want him to be happy. But I want to be with him too. And I know that it makes him happy when I'm with him. I think I'm rambling now.
So, I've really gotta wonder what to do. I don't have a clue. I don't even know how he feels. He says things, but the more Rage talks about it, the more I worry that he's just leading me on to get what he wants out of me. I've always been a trusting person, and I should trust Yuki the most, but I'm just so scared. I'm so afraid of him leaving me. I couldn't go on. I couldn't write, or sing, or work, I couldn't even breathe. I rely on him completely. And with Aizawa running around, I don't know if I'd ever survive. I have to be with him. It's simple. Yuki will always be mine. I love him too much to let him go. |
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